A bit down

February 24, 2005

Is this it? I feel so foggy and consumed by parenthood, I just want to get off. I am not sure where my environment ends and I begin at the moment. Even the time it has taken me to write two lines, the boys have climbed on top of me and Benjamin is trying to involve himself in what I am doing. I am so tired I feel like I am in a submarine or capsule of some kind, just moving around on the inside looking out the portholes in whichever direction gravity or something external pulls me. My vision seems obscured by the portholes of the cabin and sometimes I only have a snapshot of an image or thoughts or conversations before the pod moves around again.

Stuart asked me last night to start jotting down my thoughts and ideas for the beachhouse completion as we are off to nz in 2 weeks. This is supposed to be my thing and I couldn’t even muster any ideas or enthusiasm, the worst part was that I didn’t care what happened to the place. It was simply too much energy to expend on thinking about the place. I didn’t care. I was happy and preferred for Stuart to decide what to do, I don’t think he was too impressed by my attitude.

I am looking around for suitable childcare, for a couple of mornings per week so I can establish me again. I need to something creative as I feel I am dying inside bit by bit.