Knysna, Sth Africa

October 3, 2004

We are all up in Knysna now with the Smith extended family for the weekend. They all head off today and we will stay on until the end of the week. We are here at Bev and Peter and Dale and Lisa’s house on Theson Island. It is an exclusive, gated community with architecture based on the US west coast style. There is some serious money invested in this community but it all feels quite contrived at this stage of building (400 still to be built) and quite pristine. The houses are built around several man-made canals and islands, cobbled pavements, little bridges, lovely plantings etc but all very “homogenised” and I can’t help but thinking utopian white sth Africa. Very cynical I know.

There are 19 of us here including us and I think the boys are quite overwhelmed by all the noise and activity. The house is all tiled with nothing much to absorb the sound, it just bounces around everywhere. The kids are all very lively and busy and everyone seems to talk at such high volume. It is ages since I have been to a full family get together of old in NZ (too much family politics and grievances to be held now anyway) so have become accustomed to peace and quiet – I prefer it.

The boys are so clingy and don’t want me out of their sight, they want to be carried everywhere and don’t want to go into their buggies. If one wants up then so does the other and there is punching, scratching and biting to compete for my attention. The one that doesn’t get picked up just screams and won’t be consoled until I pick them up, which involves putting the held one down – also tantrum. Even settling them to sleep is hard with lots of screaming and running around. Oliver in particular is difficult, we aren’t getting him to bed until 9.30pm, very out of character, he screams and screams and doesn’t want to be left alone – I now know what Kate and Alex go through every night with Oscar, I don’t know how they have coped this far.

We don’t have nightlights for them here and I think that has a lot to do with things. They have always had a light in NZ we didn’t need them at the apartment as there was a streetlight outside their window. Now they hate the dark, when we turn off the light they are up and out of bed running to the switch saying “uh oh light, uh oh light”.

Everyone thinks Oliver’s clinginess is because he spends too much time with me and noone else, I feel this is a criticism. Probably true, but we/I have had little choice since they were born. It is common practice for home help/nannies/housekeepers here and not questioned, it is not like that in most other western countries and they don’t seem to understand it.

Stuart seems to have withdrawn into a grumpy shell also and this is creating quite a lot of friction between us, he doesn’t seem to want to come out of it. I feel I am walking on crushed glass, negotiating my way around the situation without understanding it. He doesn’t seem to be interested in the boys and I seem to spend much of my time trying to keep the boys happy and protecting Stuart from them. I am desperately exhausted, emotionally and physically but can’t see a way out. He works hard and I know that but I do too, the boys are hard work with no intellectual stimulation, just demand upon demand. He is upstairs at the moment having a sleep in, the boys are waking up at around 5.30am and having tantrums instantly, demanding food and pulling us out of bed – it is a horrible way to wake up after very little sleep during the night.

Beryl and David are with us also for two weeks, we collected them from the airport on the way to Knysna. I think the novelty has worn off for David, he seems to need a very structured day and likes plans and a schedule, with the boys so unsettled it is impossible for us to know what will happen each day. As they are still small, our schedule is still planned around them. I find myself saying that they all go off and do what ever and I will stay at home so the boys can sleep in their beds in quiet rather than being shuttled around. Stuart has declared that we won’t be having any more holidays!

On another note, Merille has a new man who has come away with us also, very brave. He is very different to what I expected, although I had no real expectation. My only experience of Merille’s taste in blokes was Charl, who I didn’t warm to. Neil is quite different to Charl thankfully and M seems very relaxed and happy in his company. Sean seems to really enjoy him also.

There is bustle going on around me while I sit and write this, Nicky and Megan are busy making pikelets, which the boys are enjoying, they smell very inviting.

I think Stuart and I need some quality time together away from the boys. The last few months have been extremely stressful and I fear that we won’t know what to say to each other soon, just cooexist along side the boys. However, given how clingy and unreasonable the boys are, I can’t see it happening for a while. And can see even less chance once we are back in Holland.

The boys are quite taken with Joan and immediately started to call her granny, as soon as they saw her at the airport. Oliver in particular adores her and wants to climb up on her knee and have a cuddle as soon as he sees her. He is so heavy poor Joan graciously takes it in her stride as we try and peel Oliver off her to let her sit down, but he is completely determined to stay with her. I think Beryl is quite miffed by it but seems to take it in her stride. They get so excited when they see her.